


not døne

by charlieharriss



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Eventual Romance, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Platonic Relationships, Smoker!Josh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-08 20:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17988407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlieharriss/pseuds/charlieharriss
Summary: Josh's POV.Josh starts off working at Guitar Centre in Columbus, with his friend Chris. Chris plays in a band, twenty one pilots, and one night he invites Josh to a gig.Chris introduces him to Tyler, and they quickly grow close. Years later Josh's feelings for Ty are still there and it's killing him. He knows that Tyler will never love him. At least not in the way he is hoping.





	1. slowly but surely

Columbus had been as grey as ever. Josh remembered feeling as if he wasn’t getting anywhere. A few days prior, he had asked his dad whether he was disappointed in him for not going to college and now was stuck working a minimum-wage job. His dad had looked at him with surprise, as if such a thought would never cross his mind. He’d replied “It's not about how much money you make or what your job is, it's more about your character. For that, I'm proud of you.” The sincerity in his father’s supporting smile had given him the motivation he needed to finally try to get somewhere in this sorry thing people called life.

His mentioned minimum-wage job was at the local Guitar Centre, were he worked alongside a guy, Chris, who he now called a friend.  
Chris also played the drums, which had been their initial common denominator. Josh loved music, he always had.

In middle school he’d played the trumpet, but never enjoyed it. He felt strange about someone telling him how he should and shouldn’t play an instrument. Instead he had started playing the drums and skating down to the local music store, much to his parents horror. He would walk up to the most tattooed man in there and ask him for music recommendations. Josh ended up listening to stuff like Green day, however always being careful to hide the albums under his bed so that his parents wouldn’t find them. 

Of course they’d find them eventually.  
He’d been given some other, more PG, artists to listen to instead, like Relient K. He hated it. The moment he moved from home he’d gone on a music-marathon to try to get back all of the things that he had missed while growing up.

When Josh opened the door to the shop, Chris had already been busy stacking shelves full of various brightly coloured guitar accessories. He’d waved quickly before going in to the back to leave his things in the so-called office. Once the door had been shut behind him, he’d sighed and cupped his face in his hands. What the hell was he supposed to do? He felt himself starting to fall down again. Slowly but surely. 

The days had passed as they usually did. Shower. Bus. Work. Bus. Food. Sleep. Over and over again. One day Chris had asked Josh if he wanted to come to a gig that weekend. Chris played in a band called Twenty one pilots. Josh wasn’t sure why they were called that, there were only three people in the band. He’d asked Chris once before but he’d just told him that Tyler came up with the name. Tyler was one of the people in the band.  
“Sure, why not? When is it?”  
“Saturday, eight-thirty, at Denmark On High”  
“Denmark On High?” He’d giggled.  
Chris had just given him a glare. Denmark On High was a newly opened bar on the high street. It seemed cool enough, but there’d been local rumours going around that the owner was a complete and utter maniac who had a secret cellar underneath the actual bar itself. What the owner used said cellar for hadn’t been known, but there didn’t seem to be anyone who wanted to find out.

“I’ll be there” Josh said.  
Saturday had come surprisingly fast, or maybe his perception of time had been warped. Either way Josh had been walking down the high street with his hands tucked safely in the pockets of his skinny jeans, his mind completely blank.

Denmark On High had not been as creepy as the rumours made it out to be, in fact it seemed quite modern and relaxed. There’d been a relatively small stage in the far end of the room, and a bar to the right.  
He’d seen Chris stand on the side of the stage trying to get the sound going. Nick, (or was it Tyler?) had been standing behind him pointing and gesturing frantically.  
Josh got a beer and walked over to the two men.  
“Hey” He’d said.  
“Oh, hey Josh” Chris replied.  
The other had sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes all the way to the back of his head. “How many times? It’s the blue one in the aux and the yellow one in the mono”  
“You do it then” Chris had said, irritation ringing in his voice.  
“Actually it’s the other way around.” Josh had put his beer on a nearby table and taken the two cables from the other’s hands.  
“Oh” He’d looked at Josh with an impressed expression falling across his soft features.  
He’d looked back. Right back, into those dark brown eyes.  
Chris had looked awkward as he cleared his throat. “Uhm.. Josh this is Tyler, Tyler this is Josh” he’d said, motioning between the two.  
“So you’re Tyler” He’d said, reaching out a hand. Tyler looked at it for a moment before taking it with his own and shaking it. “Yup, that’s me. Why? has Chris been talking crap about me again?” He’d giggled and Josh’s stomach felt as if he’d been free-falling off a cliff.

That’s how it all started.


	2. it was always him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was 2014 and Josh had had enough.

Years later Josh had joined the band after both Chris and Nick had left. Tyler had called him as he usually did to hang out, and then they’d just started playing random stuff together. It just felt right.   
Tyler was the most interesting person that Josh had ever met. He was clever and sassy during interviews, as well as funny and sensitive and brave in private. He always managed to make Josh all warm inside.   
He had the most amazing smile, and though Tyler himself hated it more than anything, Josh loved it more than anything. It made his eyes squeeze together and his pointy teeth on the sides of his mouth show.  
Tyler was only a little shorter than Josh which was perfect, because this meant that he could lean against his shoulder without it feeling too forced. He had dark brown hair and equally as dark eyes. Sometimes Josh thought that they almost looked completely black, which somehow just made him even more desirable.  
Like Josh, Tyler had lots of tattoos. They had always made him curious as to what they could mean. To him, they looked like ancient symbols that no one but the ancient egyptians could understand.

One night, while both sprawled across a couch they had started talking about them. Tyler had been in front of him, running his fingers along the intricate lines of Josh’s tattoo sleeve. There was a sunset, a tree and a river. “It kinda looks like Van Gogh, don’t you think?” Tyler had said. “I guess. I never thought about it like that” Tyler looked up from where he was sitting and gazed at Josh. “What do you think about them then?” Josh hesitated. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” He’d said smugly. Tyler laughed. “Okay then”

There was a lot. Josh hadn’t realized how reserved Tyler actually was until then. He kept so much under the surface, and at the same time he didn’t. The symbols etched on his arms and chest were often visible. But no one knew what they actually meant. Except Josh. That felt like one of the biggest privileges in his life.

They were best friends.  
Josh knew Tyler and Tyler knew Josh. Better than anyone else did, or could ever do.  
He tried to think of that when he was feeling down. Tyler had saved him, he helped him breathe again. When nothing else worked there was Tyler. Always Tyler. It was always him.

 

Josh was at the gym. That in itself wasn’t really a rare occasion, he liked to work out. It helped to clear his head. Though it didn’t today for some reason, in fact he couldn’t concentrate on one single thing he was trying to do. He sat down and grabbed a water bottle, wiping the sweat out of his eyes. That helped calm him a little. Cold liquid running through his overheated body. It almost hurt. Almost.

Josh and Tyler were on tour. They’d named it the “Quiet Is Violent World Tour” in honor of one of Josh’s favorite lyrics that Tyler had written.  
They had left Columbus a long time ago. Since then they’d been signed by the record label Fueled by ramen. The day that they were signed were one of the best days in Josh’s life. Sometimes it felt surreal to be touring around the world with his best friend, playing stuff that they’d made in Tyler’s basement. But he wouldn’t have it any other way.

It was October fifth. When Josh got back from the gym he found Tyler sleeping in their hotel room. He sighed and smiled a little as he stepped into the shower. It was nice to relax a while before the show this evening, and then the entire day in the bus to look forward to tomorrow. The hot water dripped down his face and he closed his eyes. He tried, and failed, to not imagine Tyler with him in the confined space. Tyler had also stood here, right where he was standing, rubbing to get clean. He sighed.

Once he was finished Josh heard that the TV was on.   
He dried his blue hair and stepped out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel around his waist.  
Tyler looked exhausted. “Tired?” Josh teased, still dripping water on the carpeted floor.  
“Whatever man” Tyler smiled and rubbed his eyes.

Mark burst through the door. He was their manager and creative director, but also a close friend. “Alright boys, i need you downstairs in ten minutes for your interview”   
Shit. Josh had forgotten all about that. He glanced at Tyler. It seemed, judging by the expression on his face that he had forgotten to.   
Josh threw open his suitcase. “We’ll be right there”

Josh hadn’t even had time to dry his hair, but at least they weren’t late. The interview went on as they usually did, quite laid-back and not too many weird questions. The girl asking the questions looked as if she was frightened by just being there and she kept on glancing down at her hands, but Josh didn’t mind. He knew how she felt. One time, while he was still in high school he had tried talking to one of the guys from a band who played at their homecoming. He had choked and made a fool out of himself.

“Tyler, you look a bit tired?” She asked.  
Tyler put a hand on his neck. “Yeah, i don’t sleep that well while touring”  
“Oh?” She looked puzzled. So did Josh. He’d seemed to be just fine when he got back earlier.  
“Well, in our rooms, they don’t have any couches or anything, so if we want to sleep we- well we do this thing” Josh looked at Tyler and laughed. He knew what he was talking about. “Yeah we just kind of-”   
The both of them started pushing the plastic chairs they were sitting on so that they would stand with their backs against each other. “Lean up against-”  
This was how they slept sometimes, right before the shows. He imagined they looked ridiculous but Josh enjoyed leaning against Tyler, and feeling the warmth radiate through the thin fabric of his t-shirt on to his cheek.

Josh put his head on Tyler’s shoulder and demonstrated closing his eyes and ‘falling asleep’.  
“So we’ll usually just sit like this probably..” He said to the girl “Probably until about five minutes before the show”  
She laughed a little. “And then we’ll put our clothes back on.” Tyler added.  
Josh turned his chair to look at Tyler. He looked back at him, with those almost-black eyes. Tyler raised his eyebrows provocatively. He looked as if he was about to smother him.  
Josh laughed nervously and looked around.  
No one seemed to pay any attention to the- well whatever that was, and the interview continued on.

This type of dialogue continued for the next couple of months and it was starting to become too much to handle. Sure, Tyler always joked around. During the first couple of months or so of knowing each other Tyler started to refer to Josh as ‘his man’ and that never really bothered him, because he knew Tyler was joking, he had that childish gleam in his eye which made sure of it. However things were different now. So much different. Instead of the attempts at jokes to be innocent they were now evolving into suggestions, hints and even signals. Or maybe Josh was just overthinking things. It was all extremely confusing.  
Tyler had even started standing behind him in photos, taking Josh’s hands in his own and placing them both around Josh’s waist, as if they were expecting.   
Josh always tried to make an exaggerated face of confusion as if to say ‘what is this guy doing?’ so that the people who came across the photos wouldn’t take it the wrong way, but when Josh had looked at the photos Tyler had that look on his face…   
They weren’t a couple, had never been and will never be, that much was clear to Josh, even though he wished it could change.  
Tyler was very confusing sometimes. Actually he was confusing a lot of the times.

“Hey man, do you wanna hang out tonight? I got too much food for me to eat alone..” It was almost eight and Josh had just gotten back from a run. It was the first week off of touring. Finally back home. “Yup, I’ll be there in ten.” Josh said out of reflex. He hesitated. “What food is it?” He heard Tyler giggle, as if it was obvious. He supposed it was, they only ever ate one thing. 

“Taco bell. Now get over here”


	3. there wasn't any point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh confronts Tyler.
> 
> A lot of angst.

While in the car, on his way to Tyler’s apartment, Josh tried to think of something to say to him. Things couldn’t go on as they were, it was tearing him apart. He barely knew how to navigate their relationship anymore, what was considered over the line, Tyler had blurred that completely.   
Tyler was the last thing he thought of each night and the first thing he thought of each morning. That was probably the cause of the nightmares.   
They’d started out as nothing, but, as nightmares usually do, they had escalated, to the point were Josh didn’t know what was real anymore.  
They were intricate and horribly graphic. In some, Tyler would leave without telling anyone, in others he would die or even try to murder Josh.   
He remembered one vividly. Tyler had come to his apartment in the middle of the night, while Josh was sleeping. He had sat on top of him and grabbed him by the hair so that he would wake up. He had the same dark eyes, except in the dream they were just holes in his skull. Tyler had shoved a hand all the way down Josh’s throat until he grabbed something in his stomach that made him throw up.   
And then he woke up, shivering, and feeling nauseous. 

Josh shook his head in an attempt to get the memories of the dream out of his consciousness. He was stood outside tyler’s apartment building, waiting for the other to buzz him in. The evening was slowly turning into night, and it was getting colder. His breath started to form clouds of vapor in front of him before Tyler opened the door.

Josh took the stairs two at a time. When finally outside of Tyler’s door he almost got hit by it in the face. He backed away, startled. Tyler was on the other side. He doubled over with a huge grin on his face. “Sorry, man” he breathed, trying to catch his breath in between laughter and hiccups. “I’m fine. Lucky for you, you didn’t actually manage to hit me in the face”   
“Or what?” Tyler stood up, the same grin still there. Josh shrugged.

It was nice. They ate, talked, and drank. The time flew by. He’d managed to forget all about what he had originally come to speak to Tyler about, until around ten o’clock, when they were as good as laying on top of eachother on the couch, music playing in the background. Tyler had only been inches away from him. They made eye contact, and it hit him.  
“Uhm.. Ty?”  
“Yeah?” He said, not breaking eye contact, his eyebrow slightly raised.  
Josh turned away. He thought a little. “What is it dude?” Tyler sat up and put his arm on the back of the couch, almost touching Josh.  
“What is this? This thing you keep doing?” Josh motioned between him and Tyler.  
“What’s what?” Tyler looked genuinely confused, and Josh panicked, but he couldn’t go back now. Still not looking at Tyler he continued.  
“Like, the stuff you’ve been saying lately about...Us..” He paused, looking up to see Tyler’s blank face. “If there’s anything that you feel like you need to tell me, then please do. I’m here for you, you know I am” Josh smiled weakly and touched his arm.  
Tyler winced. “What?” There was a pause. “Do you think-” Josh felt his throat close up. “Do you think I’m like… Gay or something?” Josh couldn’t look at him. He’d messed everything up. Everything. Yet he still tried. “It’s okay if you are, it’s just-” “Well I’m not okay?” Tyler cut him off. “I’m sorry if I made you get the wrong idea but-”   
“No. Uhm.. It’s my fault” His peripheral vision had started to blur and he knew that he was going to start crying. He had to get out of there, fast.  
“I think I should go..”

Josh stumbled out of the dimly lit building and onto the street. Everything was burning, he felt as if he was on fire, as if he was suffocating, as if his heart had just been ripped out of his body and crushed between Tyler’s slim fingers. In a sense, he supposed it had. The only thing he could hear was the blood rushing through his ears.   
Had he just lost Tyler? It felt like it. He always knew that he couldn’t breathe without him, and that was proven now. He got in the car shakily and put his forehead on the cold plastic of the steering wheel, gasping for breath. Tyler didn’t love him, and he never would. Even if they sorted things out, he never would, and somehow that hurt even more. No matter how much Josh wished for Tyler to love him he never would. Never. 

So what was the point?

It was a long time ago that things had been this bad. Tyler always helped pull him out in time. But Tyler wasn’t there.  
Josh had somehow made it back to his own place, and he was now pacing, trying to think of something, anything, to help him get out of this. It was useless. So he gave up.  
He sat in the corner of the kitchen, legs pulled up to his torso, and head up against his knees. His chest ached from screaming and crying, he’d probably been there for hours, but now everything was quiet. Except the blood in his ears. That was the only thing he’d heard since he left Tyler.  
Josh was now focusing his attention on pulling out the tiny hairs on his arms, now and then getting frustrated at it not being painful enough, so then resulting in digging his nails into his arms instead, creating irritated lines of red skin.  
He didn’t care.  
Tyler had called five times so far, but Josh didn’t pick up. There wasn’t any point. He’d heard the disgust in Tyler’s voice when he asked. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Nothing had ever mattered. Nothing would ever matter.

Not without him.


	4. jenna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh meets Jenna for the first time.
> 
> TW: Nightmares, Self harm, anxiety

It turned out that Tyler and Jenna had been dating for more than a year. How Tyler had managed to keep it from Josh was beyond him, and why he had kept it from Josh was even farther away.

When Tyler called for the twelfth time, Josh had finally picked up. He didn’t say anything as Tyler tried, and failed, to explain everything. It had taken a while to process, but today he was going to meet Jenna for the first time. The constant sting of jealousy and heartbreak hadn’t faded over the past few days of knowing, but he’d gotten used to it.

Josh pulled a t-shirt over his messy hair and headed for the café they were going to meet at.   
He was early, and decided to get a coffee before sitting down at a booth in the far corner of the room. He tried not to think about Jenna. How she looked, what she would sound like, what she would think of him. What Tyler had done to her that he would never do to Josh. Whether or not he prefered her over Josh. The answer was obvious, but it was all too painful.  
Completely lost in thought, he hadn’t noticed how his coffee had turned cold in his hands, or how Tyler and what had to be Jenna had just walked through the door. He didn’t notice until Tyler slid into the booth to face him, and Jenna followed. She sat next to Tyler, close to him, too close. Josh felt a sting of jealousy course through his veins.  
Tyler put a hand over Josh’s and caught his eye in his own. “Hey…”  
Josh didn’t reply. “Josh this is Jenna”  
Jenna was pretty, her blonde hair and blue eyes contrasting perfectly with Tyler’s brown. It hurt. She smiled from ear to ear as she introduced herself. Tyler smiled weakly. “I’m sorry for not telling you sooner” He said, squeezing Josh’s shoulder before placing his hand in Jenna’s.   
“It’s fine.” Josh replied bitterly.

They sat there for what must have been hours. Tyler and Jenna told him everything. How they met, why they wanted to keep it secret. They even started completing each other’s sentences, but he was barely listening. Just nodding or humming in agreement when appropriate. Every time Jenna leaned closer to Tyler it felt like she was stabbing Josh in the gut. He was bleeding out right in front of them, but they couldn’t see it. Or they just didn’t care.

During the next few weeks, he was isolated. He picked up smoking again, something he hadn’t done since high school, but it was the only thing that could keep him from doing something worse. He didn’t eat, barely slept and soon, he didn’t even leave his room.  
Tyler texted him constantly. “Do you wanna hang out tonight?” “Are you okay?” “Jenna’s out of town tonight, you down for dinner?”  
Josh was always busy. “Sorry, I can’t tonight” “I’m fine” “I just ate”

He was slowly killing himself, but he didn’t care. 

That night, Josh awoke with a start. He was soaked from the cold sweat running down his spine.  
The nightmares were following him, he felt like someone was constantly watching him. He would sense something on the corner of his eye, but when he turned to look, there was nothing but darkness. He could still feel the nausea from having that fist in his throat. It was always the same dream, but instead of it being Tyler doing it, it had evolved into a sick morph between Tyler and Jenna and the creature screeched his name over and over.  
He was leaning against the bathroom sink, his head in his hands, crying silently. He never cried, but now the salty liquid was trailing down his cheeks and landing in the red mixing with the tap water beneath him. Josh thought it looked a little like rust. There wasn’t any point in cleaning up, so he just stood there. His mind was finally blank. That was the only thing he could do to clear it. Cigarettes had stopped working.

Josh had filled the bathtub earlier that day, though it was cold now, in the middle of the night. He didn’t care.  
Not bothering to take off his gym shorts, he clambered in, water spilling over the edges. The luke-warm water made his skin sting and his shorts stick to his thighs. He reached over the edge to grab his pack.  
He lit and inhaled all the hundreds of toxic chemicals. That helped numb him even more.

Josh must’ve fallen asleep, because when he woke to Tyler frantically shaking him, it was light outside the windows.  
“Josh- please wake up-” Tyler was crying, gasping for breath in between sobs. Josh opened his eyes. His skin had turned all wrinkly and he felt soggy.   
“What- what’s happening, you’re hurting so bad-” Tyler’s eyes were bloodshot.  
“I’m fine Tyler, just leave me alone” Josh tried to stand up from the orange-grey water, stained by blood and cigarette-butts. He slipped. He would have hit his head if it wasn’t for Tyler helping him get out. He was still crying. It made Josh want to cry to.  
“You say you’re fine, but you’re not!” Tyler screamed the last bit. “You’re not Josh”  
“What’s going on? Can’t you just please- please talk to me?”   
Tyler exhaled shakily and sat down on the side of the bathtub, his hands on his knees, and head in his hands.  
“I’m worried about you…” He whispered.  
Tyler was breaking right in front of him, and at the sight of that, Josh broke too. He fell to the tiled bathroom floor, and shattered into tiny pieces of hurt.  
“I need help. I need,” Josh paused. “I need you, Ty” Tears were trickling down his cheeks. He was staring at the floor not knowing what to say, until he found Tyler’s arms around his soaking wet body.   
Tyler was warm and dry, except for his face. He smelled like home, and Josh felt safe in his embrace.  
“I love you, Jishwa” Tyler giggled quietly.   
Josh smiled weakly at the stupid pet-name. He hated when Tyler said that he loved him, he knew that Tyler never would. Not really.  
He helped him get warm and dry and fed, and calm.   
Tyler stayed with Josh for three days. They cleaned, and played video games, and tried to work through everything that had been going on.   
Josh told him everything about how he was feeling, and how he’d felt when seeing him and Jenna together, except ,of course, for the minor detail that it was all because Josh was in love with him.   
Tyler listened.

And so he could breathe again.


	5. blurry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> blurryface era. Josh reads Tyler's journal.

As the song finished, with the completed masters added to it, the album was ready. Josh and Tyler’s band had only gotten bigger since their last tour, and after they’d released the song Tyler had written for Jenna, ‘tear in my heart’, things had really started to blow up.  
They were preparing to tour the world, once again and Josh couldn’t be any more excited. They’d been sat in Tyler’s basement of an apartment recording for hours and hours each day, making the words that Tyler had etched into his journal to songs. Josh was in awe of Tyler’s skill with words, and he was constantly admiring the crease in his friend’s eyebrow as he wrote.  
Josh wished that he would someday be allowed to read it, but Tyler was very protective over it, and Josh doubted it would happen soon, if ever.

Tyler had written about a character he’d created; Blurryface. When He’d explained it to Josh he said that Blurry, as Tyler called him for short, was the embodiment of his insecurities, the ‘person’ who made him feel all that had been killing him, that he was the one shouting things to him. It wasn’t just a little angry man on his shoulder, as therapists often liked to say, it was the shadow who was always standing behind him.  
Tyler was a genius. He never failed to impress Josh. On stage, Tyler was going to ‘become’ Blurry by painting his neck and hands black. Josh decided that he also wanted to create something similar.  
“What if I were red?” He’d said once. Tyler had looked up from his phone. “Huh?”  
“Like if I got some red paint, so we can be red and black, like the colours of the album?” Tyler’s eyes lit up. “That actually sounds sick dude!”  
“Spooky.” Josh said, grinning.  
“Spooky Jish.”  
“Spooky...Jim!”

 

The far too familiar tour bus rolled up on the side of the road and Josh looked at Tyler. He smiled. “Let’s do this” Tyler said. Josh giggled. “Let’s shred” Tyler snorted. “Yeah, ‘cause that’s what we do. Shred.” They put their luggage in the back and climbed on.

Josh had as good as forgotten how small the bunk beds were. They can’t have been bigger than half a single bed. He remembered once when he’d fallen out of the top bunk and hit his head so hard that he’d had a huge bump on the back of his skull for the next couple of days. He smiled at the memory of Tyler standing over him, close to panic.  
As if he’d read his mind, Tyler said “Hey, remember when you fell out of the bed?”  
“How could I forget” Josh said rubbing the spot were the bump had been.  
“I don’t know, maybe you hit your head so hard you got memory loss.” He laughed.

To celebrate the Blurryface world tour, the two of them decided to do a so called ‘meet and greet’ with their fans. Josh loved meeting them, seeing who had come out to watch them play. After all, they were the reason they were even here in the first place.

They had just finished up their brief conversation with a fan after signing her shirt, when a guy walked up to the table were they were sat. His eyes were fixed on the floor, and Josh felt sorry for him. Another boy came up behind him and put a supporting hand on his shoulder. “It’s OK.”  
The other looked up at Tyler and Josh. He was blond and couldn’t have been more than sixteen years old. “What’s up, bud?” Tyler said. The boy exhaled. “I… I just wanted to thank you guys for everything that you do, and like, I wanna let you know that your music and you guys just… Being yourselves finally gave me the courage to, uhm, to come out as gay.” Josh smiled. “I’m proud of you, man. What’s your name?”  
“Uhm, it’s Kevin”  
“Sick. Do you want us to sign something?” Tyler asked.  
Josh noticed that the guy standing behind Kevin looked like he was completely frozen to the ground. He looked at Kevin then back at Ty and him, and then back at Kevin.  
Everything happened so fast. It hit Josh, square in the face, that Kevin had just come out for the first time, right in front of them, and his friend.  
Kevin looked at the boy. “Er… Lee, are you okay?”  
“What? Oh yeah, I’m fine.” There was a pause. “You’re gay?”  
Kevin looked down, his face turning red. “Uhm yeah…”  
Josh didn’t know what to do, or what to say.  
Tyler reached across the table to grab Kevin’s hand. “Hey, it’s okay, man” Kevin looked at Tyler like he was about to cry. “Enjoy the show” Tyler said.  
“Thank you..”

 

“Hey Josh?” Tyler called from the corridor outside their hotel rooms, (this tour they could afford separate rooms, much to Josh’s disappointment), “What?”  
“Have you seen my journal?”  
“No? Did you lose it?”  
Tyler opened his door. “I don’t know, I can’t find it” He was pacing around the room, his hands tugging at his hair.  
“Just get a new one then.” Josh suggested.  
“No, you don’t understand, it had like, lot’s of private stuff in it”  
“What, like all other journals?” Josh raised his eyebrow.  
Tyler shot him a look.  
“Relax, man it’ll come up”  
But Tyler didn’t stop pacing. Josh got up from his bed, were he’d been laying, checking twitter. He took ahold of Tyler’s shoulders to get him to look at him. “Hey…” He said softly. “It’s okay” Tyler looked so vulnerable, all Josh wanted to do was to wrap his arms around him, kiss him and make it all better. “I’ll check the bus, maybe you dropped it”  
Tyler hummed and turned to go back to his room.  
Josh got the impulse to grab him by the wrist, spin him around, push his mouth to Tyler’s, and pin him to the hotel mattress.  
But he didn’t. Instead, Josh watched the love of his life walk out into the corridor and out of sight.

 

 

Half an hour had  passed since he'd searched the tour bus and Josh was out of ideas. He had no clue what to do next. He was crying, whether it was out of joy or sadness or longing, he didn’t know. What he had discovered would change everything.

He’d left the hotel to try and find Tyler’s journal, in lack of anything else to distract him. He went and sat in the tour bus, which had been empty and cold, just like him.  
He’d felt a wave of melancholy flood him and he sat down in the bunk were Tyler usually slept while on the road.  
It smelled like him. God.  
He’d pressed his nose deep in the black fabric, trying to soak up every last particle of Tylers scent. He needed him.  
In the midst of thought, now lying down, he had felt something hard and cold brush against his exposed arm. Tyler’s journal.  
It had been stuck between the wall and the paper-thin mattress. Josh tugged at it.  
He’d known that what he was about to do was wrong, on so many levels, but he couldn’t help it. He had to know.  
His stomach dropped as he opened the worn book. He smiled weakly as he scrolled through the pages, perfectly mirroring Tyler’s brilliant mind.  
‘Josh’  
He wished that he could say that he didn’t read it. But he had. And now everything was a mess.

‘Josh. I know i’ve hurt him. I love him.

I love him. I love him. I LOVE him. What the hell am I going to do now?  
Jenna says that I have to tell him, but it could ruin it all. It would ruin it all. And I’m not gay. I’m not. And he’s not gay. Even if he was he would never love me.  
_He’s_ the tear in my heart… but I’m barely alive.  
I love him so much, god help me.  
I keep thinking about what things could be like if I wasn’t such an idiot. I can’t believe I’ve been lying to him for so long.

He’s like my oxygen.’

The entry didn’t have a date on it, and the actual page itself had been torn out, crumpled, and then stuffed back into the journal, as if Tyler was going to throw it out, but then had decided against it. The black ink was smudged.

Josh was back in his room, the journal in his hand. He tried to get all his thoughts gathered:

Tyler loved him. He was still figuring it out, but he loved him.  
Tyler had told Jenna, which must mean that they weren’t together anymore. Josh clinged on to that thought as he knocked on Tyler’s door, not even bothering about his tear-stained face.

He hadn’t realised how late it was, until he met Tyler’s half annoyed, half sleepy eyes.  
“I found it” Josh said quietly.

And he saw that Tyler knew that he’d read it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
> I just wanted to ask for a favor:  
> one of my biggest pet peeves is when authors repeat the same type of phrase, as in using a distinct, unique phrase multiple times during a chapter, or an entire work or whatever. So I was wondering, if you see me doing that, please point it out so that I can improve my writing, because I just think it shows either a) writer's block or b) a weak vocabulary.
> 
> Cool, I'll see you in the next chapter.


	6. cover me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content waring: A lot of smut lol.

“I found it…” Josh said weakly.

Tyler didn’t say anything. He walked over to him and grabbed the journal.

“Ty…”  
He turned around, walking to put the journal away in his bag, safely, when the loose piece of paper fell out from in between the pages. It fluttered backwards and forwards for a moment before landing on the floor beneath them both.   
When Tyler didn’t make any move to pick it up, Josh started to come towards him. “Don’t” Tyler put out a hand, their eyes not meeting.  
“Just don’t” His voice broke on the last word. That was the last straw. Josh crashed into Tyler, pulling him in a side hug, burying his face in Ty’s shoulder.   
He didn’t hug back until Josh turned him around, took the stupid journal, practically threw it across the room, and took Tyler’s face in his hands. He was crying, but so was Josh.  
He wiped the tears from Tyler’s flushed cheeks.

“This isn’t going to get any better if we don’t talk about it, Ty.”  
“So let’s talk.”

That night, talking ended up being the least of their concerns. Josh reached to pick up the piece of paper off the floor, his thought racing with anxieties as to what was going to happen next. He handed it to Tyler, who looked at it and closed his eyes with a sigh.  
“You’ve read it?” It was more of a statement than a question, but Josh answered anyway. “Yes. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” Josh put a hand on his neck and tugged at the hair falling down over the back of it.  
“I’m the one who’s sorry” Tyler said, and laughing a little he added “What a pair of idiots we’ve been, geez” 

There was a moment of silence before Josh said. “So what’re we gonna do?”  
Josh turned to Tyler. 

The other crumpled the paper, dropped it behind him and muttered a quick ‘fuck it’ under his breath before reaching down and kissing Josh.

Tyler was rough, he pushed him back, running his hands along his chest and neck until Josh’s knees hit the end of the bed and he tripped. They fell back, Tyler on top of Josh, the two of them going wilder and wilder from the dopamine being released in their systems. Josh felt Tyler, his tongue, his lips, his neck, his stomach, v-line-  
Josh gasped for breath and before he knew it Tyler was trailing kisses along his, now exposed, chest. He saw Tyler’s dark eyes, pupils blown, and he as good as ripped the black tank top of of him.   
Josh fought to get on top, but it was no use. Tyler pinned him down, his mouth travelling back to Josh’s.  
A low groan escaped Tyler when Josh bit his lower lip. He moved away and Josh took the opportunity to grab Tyler with his legs and flip him over. He straddled Tyler’s hips as he sat on top of his friend. Tyler grabbed Josh’s ass, hard, digging his nails deep into the muscles. He knew there were going to be bruises the next day. Josh moaned and reached down, only to find Tyler, already aching hard. The sight of Tyler’s boxers tightening around him made him almost hungry for what was underneath the thin fabric.   
He himself had already started to leak and there was a dark patch on the front of his sweatpants.  
Tyler saw it, and smirked, wriggling out of Josh’s grip to stroke him on top of the fabric. He weakened, and Tyler sat up, pushing Josh against the headboard of the cheap hotel bed. His back hit the plywood with a loud thud, and he winced from the sharp pain traveling down his spine.   
Tyler bit down hard on Josh’s shoulder, while at the same time slipping his fingers beneath the hem of his sweatpants. He moaned and pushed himself forward, into Tyler’s hand.  
“God you’re such a slut…” Tyler hissed into Josh’s ear. He bit down harder, breaking the skin on his shoulder, marking him. Josh didn’t care. Tyler licked his lips and moved to his neck, biting and sucking, making sure he would bruise.   
By now, Josh was a whimpering, hard, mess underneath Tyler.  
“Please…” Josh whined breathlessly, moving upwards to give Tyler room to rid him of his pants. Tyler got the signal and slid them off, exposing Josh’s painful hard-on.  
“I don’t-” Tyler whispered, suddenly looking concerned.   
He realised that Tyler hadn’t done this before, at least not with a man, and it made him soften. “You’re on top.” Josh said, laying down underneath Tyler. He heard the man above him catch his breath as Josh slid a finger inside himself. It burned, but before he could get up and search for lube, Tyler pinned him down again. He looked at Josh with a fire in his eyes that Josh had never seen before.   
He grabbed Josh’s balls and a moan freed itself from Josh. Tyler stuck three of his fingers in his mouth. Josh was disappointed, he grabbed Tylers arm and sucked on the fingers himself. He wanted to taste every inch of Ty. He bit down lightly on his knuckles before Tyler pulled them out with a pop and started working Josh open. He felt ecstatic, and grabbed Ty’s back, pulling his fingers up and down, making red tracks in the pale skin.“You okay?” Tyler asked, slowing down a little. Josh, who was incapable of speaking, due to the lack of air in his lungs, just pushed himself down on Tyler’s fingers as a response. The other grinned and sped up again, inserting a second finger.  
“Fuckfuckfuckfuck” Josh was clawing at Tyler, so desperate to feel him inside him.  
Tyler smirked devilishly as Josh wrapped his legs around his torso. “What do you want?” He purred. “Fuck me, please, please, just fuck me” He said in between grunts and heavy breaths.  
He pushed into Josh painfully slow and the other threw his head back in pleasure.   
“Jesus, fuck, Tyler”

Tyler went faster, trying to find Josh’s g-spot. He started to get frustrated, almost on the brink of orgams, he put a hand around Josh’s neck, gaining even more pace.   
He groaned as he saw Josh’s eyes roll back in his head when he finally hit the spot. Tyler pounded into him, finding it again and again until he felt Josh twitch beneath him. Josh came on both of them, practically screaming his name.   
He pulled out, so close himself. He pressed himself into Josh’s mouth, who took in all of him. He grabbed a fistfull of the other’s hair, who moaned a muffled ‘Tyler’, sending vibrations down his length.   
Josh opened his eyes and looked straight at Tyler as he hit the back of his throat. A string of cursing followed as he came in Josh’s mouth.   
The drummer swallowed it all and wiped his mouth before diving back to Tyler.   
They kissed feverishly until neither of them could breathe. They had to pause to catch their breath.   
Both of them still panting, Tyler laying on top of Josh, he muttered “Holy shit”

Tyler didn’t answer, instead he licked a trail down Josh’s chest and grabbed his ass violently before heading to the shower.

“Idiot” Josh smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while.  
> I saw twenty one pilots in Denmark a couple of weeks ago and, as a result I've fallen down this hole again. Conveniently enough I have to write a novel for school, so here we are.


End file.
